I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
doc: i think you鈥檙e dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it鈥檚 great
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 馃槀馃槀馃槀
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
hot panini鈥檚 mom is pissed, you guys.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Can鈥檛. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don鈥檛 you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU