Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.