Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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*frowns in Scottish*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I finally found a reason to live again.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,