Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
#parenting
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
lmao
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.