Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed