Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
good let them take over I have had enough
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.