Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month