I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours