If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Who chose this font
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids