Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
You Might Also Like
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”