Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not