Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart