New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Camping tip: No.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.