[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.