[commercial for IKEA]
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read