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If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
S/o to @funTweeters .