Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
crochet youtube is brutal
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.