For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I have a new favorite meme page
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Ironic
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.