Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I need to update my racial profile.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob