I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.