DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.