I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
awkward
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
HELP 😭
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.