“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My blood type is b hungry.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours