My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Story of my life…..
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.