fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Who knew!
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.