Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
You Might Also Like
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone