I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Strange
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Stop it! 😂
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.