If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Who’s your best friend?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows