When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES