I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously