The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.