[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.