BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
You Might Also Like
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.