“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’m not wrong
be careful
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning