Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.