[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
All excellent questions
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
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