Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.