I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…