*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
lmao
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Cashiers are always checking me out
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
lol
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell