[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
real
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
#MeanwhileinCanada
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”