There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”