Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
scares
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Pringles
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.