Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…