*Inspirational Tweets*
You Might Also Like
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
This is Sparta
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.