I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
You Might Also Like
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I think about this a lot
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The smoothest fall of all time