I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I bet birds love this building.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?