ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
🙂🙃🥹
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Just as the prophecy foretold
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.