Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me checking my bank balance online.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?