Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place