healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
How funny!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.